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Just for fun

Three tale tales we couldn’t resist passing along

Counting  cattle

  An old Ozarks farmer was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man leans out the window and asks the old Ozarker,  "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The old man in his overalls looks at the young man, obviously a yuppie in his Brioni suit,  Ray-ban sunglasses and YSL tie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly drawls, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, gets out, dusts his Gucci shoes, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite  that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution  photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that  the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his  Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the old Ozarker and says, "You have exactly 158 cows and calves."

 “That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the old Ozarker. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then the Ozarker says to the young man,  "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for a national political party," says the Ozarker.

 “Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 "No guessing required," answered the Ozarker. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Purina Diet

I was waiting in line at Wal-Mart to buy a box of Moon Pies and a carton of RC Cola, kind of dirty because I’d been out working. In front of me was a well-dressed woman, obviously from the city. In front of here was another old country boy like me. He had a big bag of Purina dog food.

The woman asked him if he had a dog. I could tell by the way she talked she wasn’t from around here.

Just as solemn as an old judge without a smirk or a smile on his face, he said, "No, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't. I ended up in the hospital last time. But I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of my nose and IVs in both arms."

She stood there stunned. I tried not to laugh, because I knew there had to be a punch line.

The old boy continued, "It is essentially a perfect diet.  The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is high fiber and nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."

Everyone in the line, and the next line over, too, was by now enthralled with his story. I wondered where he was going with this.

Horrified, the woman asked, "Were you poisoned... was that why you were in the hospital?"

Straight faced, he said, "No, Ma'am. I was sitting in the street scratching for fleas and a car hit me!"

I  thought they were going to have carry me out the door.

Smart woman

A local woman was sitting  in a quiet Ozarks tavern, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. They had never seen him before; he must have been a traveler from the city who was making a rest stop. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do ANYTHING, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, if you know what I mean, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The city fellow replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."